


Hold On Sweet Dear Morning Will Come

by deafeningsilences



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-02-27
Updated: 2013-04-08
Packaged: 2017-12-03 19:15:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/701719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deafeningsilences/pseuds/deafeningsilences
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niall receives letters in his locker from anonymous.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_You’re eyes are beautiful, like the untamed splendour of the sea so serene and endless, the azure so perfect, the depth so boundless, so deep and infinite. Your eyes remind me of the sea,_

_I love the sea_

_“Hold on sweet dear morning will come”_

_-anonymous_

Niall peered at the piece of paper he had found in his locker, the dark ink blanched upon the crisp white paper, he read it again and again the lines striking him so hard. He stared unto the paper longingly as he felt a blush invading his face, the words just soothing his heart. A smile spread across his lips as he placed the piece of paper in his notebook, that day he didn’t reach for the razor in his bathroom, he merely held the paper close to his heart.

+++

The next day Niall was walking to class when his vision was barred by two figures in front of him, the smile he was once brandishing was now gone as he looked into the orbs of hatred and prejudice, the glowering pure loathing emanating from their eyes. He knew the drill, the words of detest, the constant jabs of bigotry the fine finesse of jabs and blows into his small frame, the constant ebb of hurt coursing through his entirety, the helplessness and the solitude it brought. He could not think clearly as his skin grew weary his soul grew heavy with pity for himself, his heart thudding with pure anguish as the beating escalated as the words began to get worse and as the laughter died. He was left alone, a body alone and lifeless on the cold floor, the convulsions ugly and distorted as crimson mixed with the clear beauty of tears, his skin swollen, and his heart broken once more.

He got up the searing pain still evident in his expression; he walked straight into his locker hoping he still had a spare shirt for when he got beat up. He slowly turned the knob the taunts and laughter still fresh in his mind as he opened the metal box. Though before he could look for a shirt a small piece of paper fell onto the floor, small words etched on the cream sheet

_Lies fill your ears as they fear your beauty, so graceful and bright. The night shall soon end my dear, the constant pain shall subside. If you are weary always remember the dawn is approaching and the sun will shine, the warmth shall be granted and you shall never shiver again. You shall find the rays and embrace the hope._

_“Hang on sweet dear morning will come”_

_-anonymous_

 Niall read it again and again and tears trickled down his eyes, not tears of pain thought, his heart swollen with gratitude at his silent saviour. His words dug deep into his soul and it made meaning to his struggle. The pain will subside, but he couldn’t just wallow in the dark, he knew that people would hurt him, but they couldn’t change who he was, and this person whoever he or she may be, was helping him, someone actually cared. Niall took the paper and put it in his notebook, making sure to read it again whenever he felt down.

+++

Niall was seated quietly in the library. His eyes were trained on the piece of paper that was on the table, the sweet words moving fluidly in his mind, he hoped whoever this was wouldn’t stop writing these notes, he needed them dearly the pain became bearable every time he read the notes. A smile appeared as he tucked it in his notebook. He got up and packed his belongings, he was in hiding from his attackers, the people who found it necessary to beat because he liked boys, ignorant bastards who did not understand love, nor did they understand people only their shallow notion of what was right, their rule supreme by their brawn not their brain, no one stood against them it would hurt too bad. The negligence baffled Niall the indifference of people who knew it was wrong but allowed it to happen, he viewed these people as cowards and placed them beneath his aggressors, they knew what was right, but neglected to act, the worst kind of pain, the pain of irrelevance.

He trudged solemnly down the hallways he was not paying attention to his surroundings as he looked on the white tiled floor not aware of his surroundings as he held his notebook securely around his chest. The figure of his hope cradled to his ribs. He moved slowly until he felt a mass fall on him, his notebook fell on the ground the two pieces of paper flying in the air, he grabbed his notebook not looking at the stranger to preoccupied at looking for the pieces of paper which were now scattered on the floor, he grabbed one and reached for the second, he was about to grab it when a hand of olive fit it between his fingers before him. Niall looked at the arm and trailed his eyes to the owner’s face and was baffled and scared. It was Zayn Malik, his face so beautifully sculpted the sharp turns of his jaw so strong and lean, his flawless tan skin which shined in the sun emanating a glorious aura around him, his caramel eyes filled with the dark mystery and thought. He was an enigma of sorts, he was rumoured to have admitted two boys from another school into the hospital after a fight. He was feared by the entire student body, he was a slacker who rarely came to class. No one really knew much about him just avoided him in the hallways even Niall’s bullies feared him so it was safe to say Niall was pretty much shivering in fear as the tan boy took the piece of paper and read it, he looked at the shivering mess before him and said

“You dropped this” with an unfathomable expression

Niall looked at him and slowly reached for the paper, but before he could get it Zayn said something which caught him off guard

“Your eyes do look like the ocean” he said his face still in steel like expression so cold and emotionless

Niall cheeks flared crimson as the boy looked at him, Niall reached for the paper and smiled at Zayn with a mumbled a thank you then he walked quite hurriedly out of school

+++

The next day Niall received another letter from _anonymous_ , he smiled as he saw the small piece of paper folded neatly inside his locker. It read

_Your skin is the pale moonlight, so serene and flowing, subtle and eerie so magnificent contrasted upon the dark. You pierce the night with this brightness overflowing so sweet and harmonious, you are stronger than all the dark, it lights the sky with this hope so adamant and unrelenting, permeating the horrid blackness._

_Your skin is like the moonlight, you are the illumination in the world enshrouded in fear_

_“Hold on sweet dear morning will come”_

_-anonymous_

He looked at the letter and just thanked whoever this is for making each day so much brighter and meaningful.  _Anonymous_ started to slowly lessen the pain, knowing somewhere there was someone who cared, even though they were afraid Niall was happy knowing that there was someone who was on his side. He wanted to try and thank _anonymous_ but he couldn’t tape a letter to his locker someone might see and it may fall into the wrong hands. For now he couldn’t communicate with whoever this was but he found solace with these letters.

Niall moved soundly through the halls, his attention was caught by a light tapping of his shoulder, he turned around to find his bullies; they need no name because they are aggression and impartiality, they are fear and hurt, greed and envy, they are not people but emotions rigged by pure hatred and irrationality. Niall did not need word or rhyme of their identity only the knowledge that animosity like this still exist this blind cause that has stained history with blood. Niall grasped his notebook not caring that his pain would be so much more the only thought in his mind was to free oneself from the darkness of fear there must be hope to spark the flame. He did not care that the whole student body was watching they needed to hear.

“You may punch me and kick me and throw me to the ground, and hurl slurs and insults, but it won’t change me, I will not stand for this anymore. You idiots are nothing, because you fear the truth that you cannot wish to understand. You fear the knowledge you wish to omit. But get these next words inside your head, you are worthless.”

Niall knew this burst of courage would not end anything, it would only intensify the pain, but for this pain there will stem a hope, a hope that people could hear the words of truth, he was going to be the spark, and he didn’t care how long, but somehow righteousness would prevail, no matter how bleak it seemed, so Niall embraced the pain, he embraced it knowing full well this had a purpose now, a purpose to show them that they were weak.

+++

_“Bravery is not the ability to face things without fear, it is the ability to face fear right in the eye and say fuck you.”_

_You are courage personified, the manifestation of the truth. Your bruises are enthralling, they are your battle scars, and those are the marks of your bravery and righteousness because those blacks and blues are the colors of your fortitude. Your scars are laurels to your name, reminders of your bravery, which people admire and seek._

_I would like to say I love you from a distance, because I do not have laurels to my name, I am a mere coward who hides in the shadows._

_-anonymous_

Niall looked at the last line and read it again and again, he analysed it and looked at the three words which made his heart leap, “I love you” he smiled and felt the world become light and beautiful as he ignored the pain still fresh from yesterday’s beating. He didn’t want to admit it but he was slowly falling in love with _anonymous_. He walked to class smiling as he walked the halls, but before he could reach his class he was tapped at the back, he was expecting to see his aggressor but was surprised to see a lanky curly haired boy in front of him. Harry Styles, he was standing with an awkward grin, Niall has never talked to the boy who was so popular in school for his charming personality and his sex appeal. Harry looked at Niall and said

“You’re so brave, I’m so sorry for what they are doing to you. And I wanted to say if they ever hurt you again you can talk to me, I know I haven’t talked to you ever and this is really weird but we share something in common you don’t have to face them alone.” He said giving Niall an assuring smile

Niall just lunged forward and hugged Harry, he didn’t know what possessed him but he knew he got to someone, he had touched someone and that was all that mattered. He took himself away from Harry and said

“Sorry for being weird it’s just you don’t know how happy that made me.” Niall said

“It’s ok, just know I’m here and there are other people out there too, they’re just afraid, you’re making a difference standing up to them if you ever get hurt or need someone to talk to here’s my number, call me anytime” Harry said

Niall smiled and walked to class

+++

The next day he found another note from _anonymous_ slipped into his locker Niall, it was the shortest _anonymous_ has written but it held such an impact upon Niall

_The midnight has passed, the dawn awaits._

_“Hold on sweet dear morning will come”_

_-anonymous_

+++

Niall about to leave school ending his day of troubles happy he was going home away from his academic duties, he was about to exit when once again he was presented with the bastards who assault him, the crowd of people were thinning and the amount of exposure to the public waning, this would be the perfect time to strike. But there were still people he would not back down.

One said “You think your little speech yesterday was worth shit? Now that you finally have balls you think we would stop, you got that all wrong you little bitch” he sneered the pure venom escaping his mouth

Niall stood his ground, he had a purpose now, after _anonymous_ , because he couldn’t do this alone he could stop all this for ever happening again in this school.

“I didn’t think it would have sunk in, you’re all to blind to see that, I’m not just standing up to you for me, it’s for everyone else” Niall replied sincerity and honesty in his tone. The bastards just laughed at him and started their routine. Niall took it being accustomed to everything all the pain, he shut his eyes to blind himself of the hatred, and he was waiting for the first punch to hit him but it never came. He opened his eyes to see a boy with brown hair and thick eyebrows hit his assailant.

“Stop it! Stop doing this to him!” the boy cried after hitting the first guy, the others were shocked at the least, it was the very first time that anyone had the guts to intervene. The one on the floor slowly stood up he looked at the two boys in front of him and laughed

“Fine I’ll let you off this time, but don’t think we’ll ever stop, thank this fucking bastard he has guts.” He said walking away the others following confused.

Niall looked at his saviour to find Liam Payne, a boxer of their school, now Niall knew why they backed away, Liam was an experienced fighter and could have really injured them, but why would he defend Niall?

“Thank you” he said to the buff boy, Liam looked at him and smiled his eyes crinkling with admiration as he looked at Niall

“No need, you never deserved any of that shit, no one deserves that” Liam said solemnly

Niall was surprised to what was happening to him, this guy was suddenly defending him out of the blue, even though it was common knowledge that Niall was the frequent victim of the bastards, he needed to ask it even though it was incriminating, even insulting

“But why now?” he asked curiously, he needed to know why just now out of all the times why now.

“Because you had the strength to fight even though you knew you were gonna lose, that was fucking noble” Liam said plainly, no offense present in his voice

“Listen I know it’s all sudden but you’re making a difference and you don’t even know it. Just keep safe ok, and if you need any help you can always talk to me” Liam smiled

Niall just murmured a thanks as Liam walked away, Niall finding more strength in himself and silently wondering if he would ever find _anonymous_.

+++

Another note fell into the palms of Niall’s hands the next day

_Your voice is the cry of a thousand men, it is the evocation of leaders of ages past, and it is the song of the oppressed. It is beautiful, it is true, it is loud, it is firm, it is poignant and it is just. Your voice transcends vast oceans and High Mountains; it carries the sentiments of history and present. Your voice is the sun radiating its warmth on the earth; it is the light which eradicates the darkness._

_I love your voice_

_“Hold on sweet dear morning will come”_

_-anonymous_

Niall grew more and more curious as the days passed the notes striking him giving him hope and strength to go through the day, he found reliance on himself again, with everything going on especially with Liam and Harry, he started hanging out with them during breaks and found it reassuring that they were being so nice and friendly and Niall for the first time was happy, days passed without any sort of intrusion from his bullies, he started to trust again, he became good friends with Liam and Harry he wanted to find out though if they knew of the notes. One day all three were sitting in the cafeteria just talking when Niall asked

“Why were you moved about what I did?”

Liam and Harry looked at him and found it in themselves to admit why after Niall’s burst of bravery that one day why they were so affected.

It was Liam who said it first

“I’m just like you, Niall I’m gay too” he said Harry followed with resounding

“Me too Niall, you gave us strength to be open about ourselves, but I don’t know if I want the whole school to know thought so if you could keep it secret” Harry said, Liam nodding in assent

“Don’t worry I wouldn’t want anyone to go what I went through” Niall replied, but there was one more question he wanted to ask

“Do you guys by any chance know anything about the notes in my locker?” he asked

Both boys shook their head confused at the question

“What notes are you talking about” Harry asked

Niall foraged for his notebook where he placed all of his notes, and showed it to his two friends

Both boys read the notes and were smitten at the sweetness of the notes

“Wow Niall, this person really loves you” Liam says

“Yeah I got the courage to stand up to them cause of these, and I sort of am falling for whoever this is” Niall said

“Well I would fall in love with whoever wrote me these notes if I didn’t already have a boyfriend” Harry blurted out, Niall smiled at Harry

“I’ll introduce him to you guys one time” Harry beamed

Niall and Liam smiled at him in reply, but Niall still has this ever present question of who _anonymous_ was. He walked out of the cafeteria toward his next class too preoccupied with his thoughts when he bumped into someone

“oh shit sorry” Niall said and he looked to find Zayn standing in front of him

“Well fancy bumping into you again” he said

“Yeah” Niall said flustered his cheeks brandishing a tinge of crimson as he held unto his notebook tightly, the tan boy saw the hands clench on the notebook and took note of this.

 “You still have your little notes?” Zayn inquired

“Yeah somebody’s been dropping them in my locker daily; I got a lot of them now” Niall replied

“Some person must really like you then” Zayn said

“Yeah probably” Niall replied

“It’s good then, I think you should hold onto those notes, they seem important to the person”

“Oh I will” Niall said confused

“See you around, hopefully we can bump into each other again” Zayn said while departing for his next class

Niall was wondering, what if, but he dismissed this thought, Zayn would never like Niall, he looks too straight.  So Niall just walked to his class still thinking about _anonymous_

+++

Another day, another note

_Your smile punctures the doubt that exists, it floods space with pure glee, your smile is like stars twinkling in the night so wonderful and whimsical and bright supplying the wonder and myth of eternity._

_I am a stargazer, looking into the vast nothingness. I search for the stars wishing one day I could call it mine, to call your smile mine._

_“Hold on sweet dear morning will come”_

_-anonymous_

Niall smiled once more at the kind gesture; at least he knew somewhere someone was watching over him, Niall kept these letters near to his heart. He placed it once again in his notebook making sure it was securely fastened to the clump of papers at the back all showing the same messy handwriting.

Niall left class once again tired from all the studying, it was the first time he was going home in a long time, ever since Harry and Liam, Niall never left school alone, being that both feared he would be assaulted once more. Today however both boys were busy with some things, Harry was visiting his boyfriend while Liam had boxing. So Niall not knowing the impending future ahead of him walked toward the exit only to be greeted by them. The group looked at Niall with pure disgust as they made their way closer to the blond. No one was there anymore; most of the people had left already. Niall was left alone to bear his absolution. He just said these last words

“You may break my bones but you will never break my spirit.” And with that the first fist met his face.

The pounding escalated quickly and became longer and more aggressive, the jabs bludgeoning the pale body to a pulp Niall remained motionless as the continual assault steered his mind into oblivion the oncoming darkness invading his soul. The assault lingered for an eternity the pain worsening every second, his vision was murky and his head was spinning, his body ached as punch after punch and kick after kick degraded him to a convulsing mass. For once he didn’t stir after they were finished with him Niall released himself from the nothingness to see a pair of shoes moving so closer and closer to him, he tried to look at the newcomer only to find his will be taken over by the silent void, his eyes sealing itself as he fell into the darkness.

_+++_

Niall opened his eyes to a searing light, he did not recognize his surroundings, the feeling of the starched sheets felt rough against his bruised skin, he felt a heavy weight on his left arm and found that he was wearing a cast, the scent of ethyl alcohol filled the room and Niall could feel the cool soft cushions of his bed. He felt heavy and stoic as he tried to get his vision clear his eyes adjusting to the sudden light, the blur now becoming more defined and sharp. Niall peered to his right to see three bodies on the little couch on the far end of the room. He could distinguish the curly mess of Harry’s head and the chestnut brown of Liam’s, but the third one was new, the other body which was sleeping soundly next to Harry, the curly haired boy’s head leaning comfortably on the new boy’s neck. The boy had fine feathered hair and a smaller more muscular body compared to the lithe form of the Cheshire boy. Then Niall realized this must have been Harry’s boyfriend, he must really care about Harry if he would sleep in his boyfriend’s friend’s ward, he noticed that the boy was also cradling Harry’s waist and securing himself closer to the curly haired lad. Niall smiled fondly at the two and searched for the time or date that it was but noticed something to his bedside table, it was a solitary rose and tied to it was a piece of paper, Niall grew curious and willed his left arm to reach for the flower and gently unfolded the paper twined around the stem. And as he expected it was a note from _anonymous_ but this note was very different from the others.

_I apologize for my weakness, my fear beyond myself._

_The undeterred melody plays through my heartstrings, the feral tune of you, the constant beat of your footsteps, the enigmatic rhythm of your laugh and the fluid madrigal of your voice. It plays in my heart, a perpetual verse of love._

_The music almost came to a halt when your laugh turned to the howling scream of pain; when your whispers became hollow whispers and your voice became an austere shrill of hatred._

_Don’t worry my dear the dawn is approaching, I swear by it, and you shall finally know this coward who hides behind these words._

_“Hold on sweet dear morning will come”_

_-anonymous_

Niall gasped at the last line, he would finally find out who _anonymous_ was, even though this person thought himself a coward Niall could only see the great person who loved him from a distance. Niall smiled tears forming in his eyes at the pain and the happiness he was feeling, this peculiar mixture of happiness and sorrow spewing out in tears, his reverie was cut short though when he heard a loud “NIALL!” and saw a flurry of curls assault him, a pair of arms hugging him as the boy silently sobbed on the blond.

“We thought you were dead, when the hospital called us” Harry said

Niall was confused he thought that either Harry or Liam brought him here

“Wait how did I get here and how long have I been here?” Niall asked shocked

It was Liam that spoke “Umm even we don’t know, the hospital just called us and said that you were admitted here, we’ve been here for about 2 days, but the doctor says you have to stay here for about a week after you-”

“Didn’t you ask how I got here?” Niall cutting Liam off

“We did, but they said the person wanted to remain _anonymous_ , it was kind of weird we wanted to thank whoever that was for bringing you here” Harry replied

Niall felt the tears come rushing back, he felt that he needed to see _anonymous_ already, he needed to find this person who brought him here, who loved him from a distance, this person who made each and every day so much better even though everything seemed bleak. Then after the silent tears the third person finally got to speak

“Umm hello Niall I’m Louis, Harry’s boyfriend” the boy with the feathered hair said

“Hello, oh shit you look horrible, uhh I mean you looks so tired” Niall mumbled

“Speak for yourself” Louis chirped, and Niall chuckled lightly

“I’m sorry you had to stay here all this time” Niall apologized

“Don’t apologize, it was my honour Mr.Horan, actually one reason I’m here is because I wanted to thank you” Louis said

“For what” Niall asked

“For letting me love this beautiful boy” Louis said holding Harry close to him, and kissing him on the cheek, Harry stayed silent and nuzzled into Louis’ neck

“What do you mean?” Niall asked

“Well I should explain, Harry and I were childhood friends, we were inseparable and we did everything together. We grew up together, that is until high school when we had to go to different schools. In my school I finally came to terms with my sexuality and my love for Harry. On the other hand Harry had it harder, he was scared to be who he was and was afraid of all the ridicule, we lost contact, I cried myself to sleep those nights knowing we couldn’t be together, then one day he comes into my house unannounced and tells me he loves me and he didn’t care anymore, we would be together if they wanted it or not, he told me it was because of you and your courage, thank you” Louis said soft tears falling from his face, Harry cups Louis’ face and kisses him adoringly and caringly cradling the love of his life

Niall could only smile at the two who were clearly undeniably in love, so Niall just smiled awaiting the day he would find out who _anonymous_ was.

+++

Niall was sitting idly on his bed his cast slung across his chest. He was waiting for Liam, Louis and Harry to go get him, as his parents were at work at the moment and the three hastily volunteered. For the past week Niall bonded closely with the three boys and found Louis great company, while his parents finally got a chance to see him and told him that they had spoken to the principal and had filed for a restraining order against his assailants, the boys not getting within two meters of Niall, while they were under observation. Niall was relieved but he still needed to tell them something though, but he would worry about that another time.

Niall was taken out of his thoughts when the door to his room creaked open; he was thoroughly shocked at the person who entered, Zayn Malik.

“Hello there” He said nonchalantly

“Umm hi” Niall replied meekly

“I just wanted to give you this” Zayn said pulling out Niall’s notebook from his backpack

“I know the note things were really important to you” he said smiling, Niall reached for the notebook and opened it finding the letters perfectly intact, he hastily added the last one on the counter

“How did you get it?” Niall asked

“Well when the news spread that you were in the hospital people were really worried and all that, I remembered you holding that notebook so tightly to your chest that one time, so I went to the lost and found and I got it then now here I am” Zayn narrated

“Thank you, you don’t know how much this means to me” Niall stuttered

“Well it was really stupid of you to provoke those bastards” Zayn said, and Niall stiffened was he really insulting him right now he was about to say something when Zayn continued

“But it was so fucking brave and noble and I don’t know if I would ever find the guts to do something like that” Zayn finished, Niall blushed

“And I think whatever _anonymous_ is saying is true, everything” Zayn emphasizes

And Niall thought he would internally implode because Zayn was here and was telling him these things which made his cheeks burn with giddiness, even though he should feel offended because Zayn pried into his personal belongings but he couldn’t bring himself to be mad, because Zayn was so blatantly complementing him.

“Anyway see you in school I got to go” Zayn says while smiling

“Yeah see you” Niall waves back his entire face beet red.

+++

The next day Niall was back in school he wasn’t expecting the greeting he had, people he hadn’t talked to his entire life were now talking to him and apologizing and telling him that he didn’t deserve what they did to him and that they deserved to be punished and all that. Niall just merely accepted all the gestures and made his way to his locker hoping for that little piece of paper folded inside his locker. Niall smiled widely as he saw the piece of paper folded neatly sitting idly in his locker

_“I will hold on for the moon to light the sky once more”_

_The sun is fast approaching sweet dear, the time is close at hand the constant beauty that is the morning shall come. You are the gladiator of the night, the sentinel of truth and the bulwark of justice. You have fought the evil lurking, you courage unbound by the shackles of indifference and neglect. You are the purest type of defence against the night; you are the simple and unwavering truth._

_The dawn is fast approaching my sweet dear, and I will relinquish the shadows in the favour of your light_

_“Hold on sweet dear morning will come”_

Niall folded it up and facing the day. Niall for the first time in his life stood without fear, he stood with the constant threat of what is lurking. He had found the light so true and beautiful in _anonymous_ and he couldn’t wait till he was finally able to meet him

+++

The next day Niall opened his locker to find the note uncharacteristically missing something, there wasn’t the sign from anonymous as it read

_Sweet dear morning has come_

Niall was confused he was supposed to be finally meeting _anonymous_ today, but was disappointed when he saw there was no name, he huffed and turned around to be faced with a warm body standing before him

“I think you forgot this piece of paper” Zayn said

Niall looked up and found Zayn holding a piece of paper which was folded neatly Niall reached for it, unfolded the cream sheet and read, his eyes watering as he read the two simple lines

_I love you_

_-Zayn_

He lunged at Zayn and cried into his chest all his emotions flooding his mind, all the pain, the sorrow, the grievance everything spewing it out on the person he grew to love

“It was you, it was you all along, you were the one who brought me to the hospital, you didn’t find that note in the lost and found, you already had it with you didn’t you, and fuck Zayn I love you too” Niall cried into Zayn’s chest, the tan hands made their way to Niall’s waist and cradled Niall against him holding the boy he had loved ever since he set his eyes on him

“I’m so sorry Niall, I’m sorry I had to watch you get hurt and I’m sorry that you had to go through it all while I sat here trying my hardest to not come and kiss all your problems away” Zayn sobbed

“No you don’t have to, please you don’t need to, you helped me so much more with what you did, you made me believe in myself, you made me so much better than I ever thought possible. The only I didn’t like about it was that I was falling in love with a person that I didn’t know, but who loved me so much. I love you Zayn you don’t even know how much” Niall said all his emotions bubbling away as he basked in Zayn’s arms

“I have always loved you, my sweet, sweet dear I have always loved you” Zayn said and with that Niall lunged forward connecting his lips with Zayn’s their lips colliding and entrancing into a dance so powerful and full of love and pent up feelings, Niall felt the world become irrelevant, he was finally happy. Zayn loved him and Niall loved Zayn.

The next day Niall didn’t find a piece of paper telling him how wonderful he was, or how beautiful his eyes were, because Zayn already did that, and Niall was content.

_The morning has come my sweet dear; we can bathe in the eternal hope of tomorrow, without fear and without shackles, only the eternal light which guides us into forever._

 


	2. Daylights and Shadows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Continuation of Hold On Sweet Dear Morning Will Come.
> 
> Zayn and Niall were finally together, but the past and the future still plagues the minds of the two lovers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've been thinking about this for a while now and I've finally decided to make this into a trilogy, this one in particular focuses on Zayn and his time when HOSDMWC was happening.
> 
> Normal text is the present and italicized are flashbacks

Zayn looked in the distance and saw him - the boy whose eyes were like the infinite ocean, whose skin was like the pale moonlight enshrouding the darkness with a soft glow, whose voice was like the cry of a thousand men, whose entirety was like a poem. A poem riddling with rhyme and rhythm, moving fluidly and constantly punctuated by metaphors and similes creating depth and mystery, a character whose beauty seemed endless, moving languidly and fluidly through words and verses, he was a madrigal sweet and contrite, a haiku so simple and brief,  a sonnet so romantic and sensual. He was a poem written by children, lovers, parents, friends and intellectuals, he was love and sorrow and depression and rage. He is a thousand wars and a single moment, a hundred verses and a single couplet, he is a memory so nostalgic and a fantasy so enticing, he is brevity and intricacy and though he was all these things, so complex and perplexing he was one thing that every poem was; Niall was beautiful.

He looked at the boy standing there a smile etched on his delicate face and Zayn remembered the first time he saw him, that day he wasn’t sporting a smile nor was he emanating this glow of contentment, that day Niall face was contorted into a grimace.

+++

_Zayn walked the familiar halls, as he heard the familiar ticking of footsteps here and there, the constant noise buzzing through his ears. He felt the stares and whispers as he walked through the linoleum floored walkway his feet clattering resoundingly with the plastic, he wasn’t looking at anyone but he knew they were looking at him. He knew people defined him through his looks, he knew they only saw the markings on his skin, they only saw the permanent inked embedded on him. But what they didn’t know that these embellishments were stories, he was a canvas and these were his paintings. These images were not merely for show, these intricate murals were memories and fantasies, thoughts and aspirations, these markings were him, and it was his way of showing what he was. Because that tattoo of a skull on his collarbone wasn’t just there for nothing, that skull was a representation of the emptiness of humanity, the sense of mortality lost as he represented this through this empty skull, barren and lost. That tattoo of a spaceman adorning his bicep wasn’t just to seem ‘cool’ no it was because he wanted to explore ideas of the unknown; he wanted to grasp the knowledge of the untouched and alien. No one knew these things, nor would they ever will, because they only saw the exterior of a person, the front of a person they never really bothered to look any deeper, to find the stories locked within the confines of everyone’s mind. To them Zayn was cigarettes and tattoos, and Zayn didn’t need to bother with anything like that, because it was pointless to think about it, everything has gotten to superficial for his liking and never took action to correct their misreading, because they weren’t worth it._

_Zayn followed the path predisposed on his legs, moving languidly and ritually through the busy hall, his feet dragging and his eyes boring into the ceilings as he looked at the bright fluorescent light its brightness spitting daggers on his eyes, as he closed his eyes and tried to readjust himself to the normal lighting he found a sight which he hasn’t really noticed until now. The boy with blond hair standing by the lockers, his pale face punctuated by freckles a soft rosy tinge caressing his cheeks. He had bright blue eyes which reflected the light, but there was dullness, a sort of bluntness which perpetuated throughout his body. Zayn found the boy enticing and interesting his blond hair askew and his face so delicate and beautiful, but there was deepness in the boy that Zayn had never seen, a pointed reformation consumed by a yearning which Zayn wanted to discover. Though he didn’t believe in love at first sight, he did believe in serendipity, and the moment that he chose to look at the blinding fluorescent light brought him to the discovery that he would have never seen if he didn’t look up at that moment. And in that moment of pure coincidence Zayn found the person who would change his life drastically_

+++ _._

Now though when Zayn looked at the boy whose pale face radiated in the sunlight he could only see the smile plastered on his face, his face so much brighter, his eyes now twinkled with a youthful excitement and hunger for life, and it amazed Zayn how far he had come from that first glimpse into those eyes. He strolled down the street to meet the boy and greeted him with a hug and a kiss, letting his lips linger on the supple crimson, and grasping the thin waist possessively. Niall responded by burying his face into the crook of Zayn’s neck and inhaling him, breathing in the musk and the grunge that was Zayn. They stayed like this for a while before Zayn spoke.

“Dear, let’s go Harry and Louis are waiting for us” Zayn said holding onto Niall, the blonde responded with “Few more minutes, I want to hold onto you for a little while longer” Zayn smiled and held him closely enjoying how the small blonde just put his head on his chest and stayed there slowly taking everything in, “Still can’t believe your mine” Niall said from Zayn’s chest his breath tickling Zayn’s skin, the tan boy looked at Niall and replied “You better, believe it, I’m not trading you for anything else” Niall nodded and slowly detached himself from Zayn and interlinked their fingers watching closely as cream and bronzed skin mixed the perfect contrast. They walked silently to the nearby café where Harry and Louis were waiting earnestly for the two boys.

“Took you long enough” Louis said from his seat, Harry’s hand resting on his lap as he moved his fingers carelessly on Harry’s large hands.

Zayn had acquainted himself beautifully with Niall’s small clique of friends, he had become very close with Louis in particular, for the reason that Louis was perfect mixture of maturity and whimsy, Zayn enjoyed the feathered haired boy’s company because he had a knack of creating a bit of wonder in Zayn’s life, he recalls a particular moment when his perception of Louis deepened and rooted their close friendship.

+++

_Zayn was waiting for Niall in the park next their school, Niall having doing some extra credit with Harry in the library, knowing his presence would only distract Niall he chose to wait outside by the park. He had a particular spot by a tree in which he spent a lot of his time just looking and observing his surroundings and taking everything in. He liked thinking, thinking about his life, the questions, the doubts, the confusions, because Zayn has always pondered and thought and he enjoyed new ideas and new knowledge, because this was what his mother imparted on him when he was still younger, she would say “A thought is worth acknowledging, a curiosity is worth questioning and an answer is worth debating” and Zayn learned from these words and he would question everything. And in the span of a century Zayn pondered on why his mother died, why it was wrong to be gay, why life was cruel and why he felt perpetually empty inside. These questions would always plague his mind, and he would find time to silence the noise and find the answers within the moments of serenity, mostly sitting idly in his spot. So he found himself once again questioning and thinking and wondering by himself by that tree, and was surprised to hear a soft thud, he peered to the direction to find Louis sitting there giving him a soft smile._

_“Waiting for Niall?” he asked, Zayn merely nodded in reply, he went back to looking and thinking when Louis interrupted once again, “What are you thinking about?” he asked curiously, Zayn looked at the boy once again and replied with a mere “stuff” but Louis was persistent “What stuff?” he questioned and Zayn replied with “Just stuff” he snapped a bit at Louis, because he knew wouldn’t understand, he had a mentality to think no one understood, only Niall. “You think I’m stupid don’t you, you think I’m superficial and shallow like other people don’t you, but I’m not Zayn you have to try me” Louis said and Zayn was shocked at what he heard and took into account that maybe there were people like him, people who thought and pondered and questioned. He huffed then looked at the boy finding Louis face waiting, anticipating something so Zayn said “I’m thinking of Niall and what will happen to him with those bastards and why the fuck they did it to him. I’m thinking how I can protect Niall, I’m thinking why people are as they are” Louis looked at him with a pensive gaze then replied “We can’t really blame them if you want to know why they did it, they were raised like that, they were raised by ignorance, by elitism. If you want to blame someone blame their parents, blame society, because we can’t just blame them because someone had dictated in them how to think. Niall is strong, you made him strong and though he may crack at points it’s ok because we’re just human, we live a very hard life, because we’re not just against people we’re against a society that’s been corrupted, I’ve been blessed with parents who taught me what Is truly right and wrong. And Niall is blessed to have you around. So stop worrying and smile, because Niall is happy right now, enjoy this happiness as it comes- don’t ruin it” Zayn looked at Louis and gave him a smile then said “Thanks” and Louis replied “Your welcome, you see Zayn I’m not mentally retarded, you have to smile and stop looking like a bereaved dog. Now smile bigger you don’t want Niall seeing that frown do you” Louis cooed while pointing Zayn’s face with his finger, Zayn gave him a chuckle then said “You’re a piece of work” Louis smirked and said “A piece of work with a very fine ass if you will” and Zayn laughed, a sincere laugh, something he hasn’t done in a long time._

+++

Zayn thought Louis was a madrigal because Louis was musical, whimsical and gleeful but he was also meaningful and deep, a song played with an emotional intensity wrought by artists. Louis was all these things and he melded with Zayn that way.

“Niall can you stop molesting Zayn’s arm, it’s kind of disgusting” Louis said from his seat. Niall was caressing Zayn’s forearm because he had placed a brand new tattoo and Niall loved Zayn’s tattoos, he loved the stories they held and the one in question was his favourite, it was a sun, it had a face in the centre and numerous rays surrounding it, there was a grid tracing from the rays pointing into the four directions. Zayn told Niall that the tattoo was for him, that he was the sun, the brightness and the warmth to his life, the star which guided him out of the darkness. So Niall was engrossed with the tattoo, as a piece of him was slotted into the intricate art piece that was Zayn. And Zayn loved it how Niall would trace his tattoos and ask him to narrate the story about each one, those quiet nights wherein Zayn would go to Niall’s and they would lie in bed and Niall would tell Zayn about his day and Zayn would listen as the hum of Niall’s Irish brogue filled his ear, while Niall cuddled up to Zayn and move his hand to caress Zayn and feel Zayn and they would kiss lazily bodies intermingling touching everywhere and they would separate and Niall would trace Zayn’s arm and touch his tattoos and Zayn would tell Niall about each and every one, and Niall would hum to the melodic tone of Zayn’s voice lulling him to a slumber, then Zayn would hear snoring and kiss Niall on the head before taking into sleep himself.

“He can molest it all he wants, I like it like that” Zayn replies flashing Niall a smile, then the blonde would reach up and placed a chaste kiss of Zayn’s lips. Louis then groaned his dissent, “Harry be a doll and kiss me so that I wouldn’t have to look at these two” Harry shrugged and placed his lips on Louis this caused the other couple to end up in chuckles. When everyone did cease putting lips on lips the conversation resumed.

“So how is it with  _them”_ Louis said emphasizing on them, Zayn felt Niall stiffen beside as he let the words permeate his senses, because Zayn knew Louis was referring to the bastards who hurt Niall, the people who hurt his baby and he remembers the very first time he wrote Niall a note.

+++

_Zayn had been looking at the boy for a long time now, eyeing him from a distance, and found out why there was dullness, the pronounced gloom in his face, the constant depression exuding from his skin. The boy was abused, because he was himself, because he was brave.  Zayn had found out his name was Niall, and he also found out that he was beat up every day and it hurt Zayn, because the boy was so delicate, he looked so fragile yet so beautiful, like a piece of glassware seamed and heated to crystalline perfection, smooth and glossy and perfect. Niall should have been cared for and protected because he held beauty which no one else could have dreamed of attaining. Only Zayn saw it, but he did not know how to communicate with the blonde, he didn’t know how to talk to him. Zayn was selfish and cowardly, he was afraid of rejection and resentment. He was scared about what would happen to him, and it broke him apart thinking all these selfish thoughts. So Zayn did the only thing he could do, he wrote. He wrote how he saw his eyes, those breath-taking eyes, so glossy and serene, yet so deep and alive with mystery and life. The deep azure containing not only mystery but fear, as those extravagant blues evoked pain and doubts bleeding, gushing right into Zayn’s heart. Zayn wanted to make the doubt and pain go away, purge him of the venom in his heart. But Zayn was a coward and he was selfish, so he wrote the note that would change his life._

_+++_

“They have been warned that if they are within 300 meters of me they would be arrested.” There was emptiness in Niall’s voice an uncertainty which irked Zayn, because he knew Niall was still scared, he was still recovering from what had happened. Zayn tightened his grip on Niall as the boy looked sullenly on his abandoned coffee the black liquid still, the black lacquer seemed so solid and impermeable, but like Niall only the slightest irritation would cause a ripple which would deter the magical stillness. The motion growing and moving erratically ripple upon ripple reverberating through the cup causing complete disorder until complete chaos brewing, moving spontaneously, complete disorder ensuing, it only took a slightness to create such anarchy, and it also took great effort to appease, just like Niall.

“That’s good isn’t it, at least they can’t harm you now” Louis said but Niall sunk further into his seat and continued looking at the floor while Zayn gave Louis a warning glance telling him to stop, Louis got the message and stopped talking. Harry then said “I think we’ll be heading off, see you in school guys” Harry said while dragging Louis to the door, Louis giving Zayn an apologetic look before following his boyfriend. Zayn let out a sigh and sunk to Niall’s level holding the blond closer to him on the couch, Niall obliged by placing his head on Zayn’s chest and huffing, “I’m sorry I spoiled today, I know I’ve been kind of sulking a lot but” Niall was interrupted by Zayn placing a finger to his lips, “No, you will not apologize to me or to anyone else Niall. Do you understand,” Niall was about to speak but Zayn shushed him once again “No, don’t. You will frown if you want to frown and you will smile when you want to smile ok love, you will not be sorry for being human, you will not apologize for feeling emotion.” Niall nodded his understanding “Ok now give me a kiss” Niall gave Zayn a light chuckle before placing his lips on Zayn’s mumbling an “I love you” to Zayn’s lips and Zayn mumbled some an incoherent sounds which presumably was “I love you too”

+++

Zayn was walking Niall back to his house, their fingers interlocked with each other, Niall splaying a smile on his face his mood turning cheerier from earlier. He had a slight skip in his step and Zayn would just stare at the boy. When they got back to Niall’s they stood by the door just standing there looking at each other, then Niall said “I just want to thank you” Zayn eyed him with curiosity “For what?” Zayn inquired, “For everything, for being here, for loving me when no one else could, I know I’ve said it so many times already but I just want to constantly remind you that I’ll always be grateful and if you ever think of leaving me I’ll be fine with it because you’ve given me so much happiness. And I would just want you to be happy and…” Zayn interrupted him once again “No, please stop doing this, I keep on telling you I’m not going to leave, I need you to believe me, please just believe me” Zayn pleaded and Niall merely shrugged “It’s hard, I always think that I don’t deserve you, I always think that you would get tired of me and leave Zayn, I don’t mean to be like this, I just want to remind you how grateful I am of you” Niall rambled on trying to explain himself, and Zayn knew there was no fighting this. He knew Niall would doubt himself even though he knew that Zayn loved him, whom he did, Niall was just used to everything being bleak. Niall was used to silence and grief a lament of his life chorused ceremoniously and dully, nothing was exalted or revered, merely mourned. Niall’s life was a body being brought to its grave over and over again; he wasn’t used to acclamations and praises, only derogatoriness.  Niall was a casketed in this unending procession of doubt and demise which he could not rid himself of, even though he was taken out and given a new life, he still moved the same walking ritually into his own depression. Zayn wanted to change this. He wanted Niall to think life could be happy, and he beat himself up for not being able to do that. He hated seeing the blond look so downtrodden, and he remembered the first time he saw the boy whose eyes glistened with a quiet intensity fall.

­+++

_Zayn remembers the sight that day, the defamation of the boy’s beauty, the pure malice corrupting the lurid majesty, it was revolting and disgusting. The way they turned his glimmer into a waning dimness, the brightness that he saw when the boy read the first note was gone, replacing it was the sordid degradation of something so sacred and innocent, it pained Zayn and all he could do was watch. Watch as they pummelled him and tainted him, plagued his mind with lies and taunts, bringing him down making him feel wrong. Zayn felt sick, the scene was gut wrenching, revolting, he felt absolute disgust towards himself, this coward hiding behind the paper. He was mere words, no action, and no courage to himself. He was an absolute mess a coward, a weakling. He cried that night, for the first time in years, the last time he cried was when his mother died. He taught himself to phase emotion, to become immune to pain, to numb the senses. But Niall changed that, there was something powerful and raw within the boy, that Zayn admired, it was honest, true, like his mother. The woman who taught Zayn to love and cherish, the woman who taught him the importance of loving without boundaries and constantly pursuing the truth, the woman who taught him the true meaning of courage. Facing fear and doubt, that was courage, it was not the capacity to do anything, but the capacity to face the things we fear the most, that was courage. Niall was courage, and Zayn was weak. So he wrote that night, trying to do something to rid himself of this guilt, something to make his beloved feel better._

_+++_

Zayn jolted up from his bed, breath ragged as he buried his face in his hands trying to forget the nightmare he just had. Reliving that moment of self-induced vulnerability swelled so much emotion within him. He tried calming himself down breathing slowly and closing his eyes trying to grasp the moment, distinguishing reality and figments. After a while his breath was back and he cooled down, wiping the sweat of his forehead he reached for his phone and calling the person he needed right now.

He drove to the nearby park and parked his car there, he hopped off and walked to the familiar house, he grabbed onto the readied makeshift throw ladder, the flawed handiwork showing in the poor construction. He heaved himself up and reached the bedroom he tapped on the glass three times. He heard so ruffling from the inside before the window was pried open revealing the sleep ridden Niall, his hair mused and his eyes tinged with sleep, dressed in a plain white shirt and boxers the boy motioned for Zayn to come in. The boy obliged hopping into the room, Niall looked at Zayn questioningly and said “Why did you wake me up at this ungodly hour” he said mumbled grumpily sleep still evident in his voice, Zayn looked at Niall and said “I just need you right now” he said desperately trying to he cling to the blonde. Niall was shocked at the sheer anxiety in his voice he hadn’t seen Zayn anywhere close to something like this. So he brought Zayn to his bed motioning him quietly to the bed and laying him down, holding him tightly. Zayn moved his head so he was looking at Niall, then Niall asked “What’s the matter?” because Niall had never seen Zayn so broken, because Zayn was strong and unrelenting, but now he was small, so small and it scared Niall, “I don’t want to talk about it, I just want to hold you” Zayn replied and Niall nodded holding Zayn impossible closer entangling arms and limbs. They slept in each other’s arms that night and both felt content.

+++

Zayn woke up feeling Niall’s arms around him the warmth radiating from the boy next to him encompassing him in a blanketed contentment making everything seem safe, shielding him from the harshness of reality. Zayn wanted to relieve himself of pain and sorrow the world brought, but he especially wanted to alleviate all the pain from the boy sleeping soundly beside him. He came last night for the purpose of remembering Niall’s delicate touch, because though he showed Niall that he was ok, that he was adamant throughout the whole ordeal Zayn was scared, he was scared that Niall would just give up, because everything would get harder, and though things have been better, Zayn would always think and he would always ponder on tomorrow, and though Louis keeps reminding him to enjoy what he has right now Zayn could never take this constant need to look further. Life was cruel that Zayn knew, he knew too well the cruelty of the world especially to the blonde beside him. Zayn made a motion to close the non-existent space between the two, this stirred Niall up, the blond opening his eyes to reveal his azure eyes staring at Zayn glassy with sleep. Niall smiled and mumbled a groggy good morning before placing his lips on Zayn’s. After separating from the kiss Zayn looked at Niall and said

“Baby, I’m sorry I came here at 3 in the morning, I just needed you last night,” Niall sighed and replied “its ok. you seemed scared last night, what’s the matter? Have you been having bad dreams” Niall murmured Zayn could not lie to the blonde so he merely nodded his head “What about?” Niall murmured looking at Zayn with a concerned gaze while rubbing circles on his back.

“You” Zayn said, Niall was visibly shocked stuttering “M-m-e? What about me?” Niall questioned, “I’ve been having glimpses of those days, when I saw you being hurt and it just physically hurt me to see you like that and find myself doing nothing, I get scared that one day maybe it will happen again and something might happen to you” Zayn says solemnly, not looking at Niall. Zayn felt his cheeks being pulled up to find a blushing Niall, “I know your scared for me, but I’m weirdly turned on and I need you to phase that out because I’m going to say something meaningful” Niall says and Zayn can only stare, Niall takes in a breath and says “It’s ok to be scared, it means we have something we care about. Zayn I love you and you don’t have to be always concerned about me, you’ve done enough, just stay with me that’s the only thing you can do, stop thinking that I’ll get hurt we all get hurt. Just promise me that you won’t stay just because you want to protect me, only stay with me if you’re happy” Niall smiles at him and Zayn understands what Niall wanted, he wanted to be loved not to be protected, and Zayn understood. So he kissed him with passion, he moved his mouth with an intent, he grazed the blonde’s lips with a purpose, he caressed his face with compassion and he held him like a treasure. Because Zayn wanted to show Niall that he loved him, and he wasn’t there to protect him, he wasn’t there to be a guardian; he was there to love the boy who hasn’t been loved. Once the two separated Zayn whispered in Niall’s ear “I’m in love with you Niall Horan, there’s no doubt about it, so please be happy because that’s the only thing I want right now” and Niall gave Zayn the biggest smile possible, and Zayn found the glimmer in those azures, the radiance pouring out and it clothed Zayn in a warmth that he only felt when he saw Niall, and he was happy once again.

They fell into slumber once again letting the presence of each other soothe them. Zayn awoke a while later, seeing the sun blaring from the window he knew that it was nearing the afternoon, so he got up and left a note for Niall writing.

_Dear sorry I had to leave. I’ll talk to you later_

_-Zayn_

He traipsed out of the room making sure to emit as less noise as he could. Moving stealthily across the room and down the ladder he walked back to the park and as he got in his car, he texted Louis to meet up with him in the park, stating the urgency of it. He then drove off to the park near the school, and parked near his spot, he went to the tree and found two figures sitting there. Louis had his back on the tree while Harry was in between his legs, his unruly cursed nestled contently on Louis broad chest. Harry was sleeping quietly on Louis while the older boy played with the delicate twirls of the younger’s head. Zayn seated himself next to Louis careful not wake up the slumbering Harry.

“So, what’s been eating you?” Louis asked not looking at Zayn, his eyes still trained at his silent boyfriend, Zayn looked at Louis and Harry like this so serene and calm, no worries about tomorrow or the day after, basking in the moment enjoying it. Zayn sorely wished he could be like they were, carefree. But Zayn couldn’t though he wanted to; he couldn’t because he couldn’t shake away the feeling of something going awry. “I want to be happy” Zayn blurted out, “Oh not that I’m not happy with Niall, because I am, very much so. I just want us to be _happy;_ I want to learn to accept the happiness we experience. I don’t want to constantly worry about the problems which don’t even exist.” He rambles trying to explain his definition of ‘happiness’ Louis then proceeds to shush him with a finger, he then points to Harry’s sleeping figure “Keep your voice down, Harry’s been really stressed lately” Zayn nods hi understanding then Louis continues in a soft tone “Zayn I know it’s hard for you to believe things can be just happy, I know you’re always waiting for something to go bad, and you can’t change that, but Niall’s there to hold you when it gets to tough, he’s there to calm you down when everything’s getting rough, Zayn Niall’s there to make you happy. And you do that to Niall, I have never seen a person smile so big when they see someone, he literally sparks up. I understand you want to change waiting for a problem to come, but you have to tell Niall. He’s the only person who can help you” Zayn nods, trying to think of something to say but was interrupted by Harry shifting and mumbling “Lou,” Louis springs to action averting his attention from Zayn and focusing all of it on Harry “Babe, I’m here. Just sleep I’m just talking to Zayn” Harry then stirs from his position facing Zayn “Zayn do you love Niall?” he asks his voice still laced with sleep yet commanding a serious tone, he was shocked by the question but answered “Yes of course, with all my heart” Zayn replies adamantly, Louis is also quick to add “Of course he is babe why would you-“ Harry sticks his finger into Louis’ mouth then proceeds to say “Babe, I’ve known Niall longer, I’m going to explain to Zayn what he has to do.” Louis nods and Zayn moves closer, Harry withdraws his finger from Louis’ mouth and rubs it on Louis’ shirt before looking at Zayn with a determined gaze “Niall loves you, but is scared that you will leave, because he always thinks that he isn’t enough and that you will leave him” he says and Zayn nods, he then point to Zayn and continues “You on the other hand are scared something bad to happen to Niall, you’re scared that someone will hurt him, something or someone will manage to break him again. Am I correct?” Zayn nods fervently “Well your both scared of something that might or might not happen, but aren’t we all Zayn? We’re all just human, don’t think that you should stop thinking that, because it means you love Niall with all your heart and Niall loves you. I’m scared too Zayn. I’m scared of Niall getting hurt too. I’m scared one day we’ll find him in the hospital again. I’m not only scared for Niall, I’m scared for everyone I love Zayn, especially this idiot right here” He said pointing at Louis, to Zayn’s surprise Louis wasn’t affronted, he was actually looking at Harry adoringly while he was talking from in between his legs, “Everyday I’m scared that this little piece of shit right here would maybe stop loving me, or maybe he might just get up and leave me, or he might get hurt and disappear from my life” Harry continues while Louis holds him closer a solitary tear trickling down his cheek. Louis then leans in and wipes it off while saying “I’m never leaving you ok, never” He says to Harry’s ear, while Harry nods and Louis kisses him firmly on the cheek. Harry then continues his spiel “Sorry. What I’m trying to say is all of us are afraid, it shows how much we love the people we hold dear to us, you don’t have to keep it in, tell Niall and just enjoy each moment you have despite that fear” Zayn was going to protest that even if he wanted to he couldn’t but Harry was ahead of him “Zayn I know why you’re scared so much, you’re scared because the last time you didn’t do anything” and that did it for Zayn, that statement of why he was constantly afraid, it was the truth, the reason he was so scared, and he nodded “I couldn’t do anything, even though I was there, I was fucking there and I watched it all happen, I watched them beat him and hurt him and leave him there so helpless, so fragile.” He sobs tears are welling up in his eyes, heat radiating throughout his body “I was such a fuck up, I didn’t help the only person that I loved, I didn’t I was so weak.” He said shaking his head as tears fell from his face “Zayn this time it’s different, this time you are with him, this time you’re going to protect him, this time Zayn you’re there to love him, and that’s all that he needs.” And Zayn’s properly crying right now his eyes are swollen and can’t take it, he feels arms surround him to see Harry and Louis drape themselves around him, soothing him. He remembers that time, the worst day of his life.

+++

_Things were looking up for Niall as Zayn looked from where he was standing, the blond had made new friends, after his testimonial that day, Zayn felt the creeping feeling of pride swell up within him during that time, and he expressed it in his notes, how strong he was, how courageous he was, and finally other people acknowledged his strength and determination. Zayn found t Niall showing signs of happiness, his face wasn’t sullen anymore, there were faint smiles etched upon them, his eyes glistened with a brand new hope, his posture became more pronounced more adamant. He had friends now; he was learning to be happy, accepting himself. On the other hand Zayn felt unbelievably small, so cowardly and though he continued on with the notes there would have to come a time when he had to face Niall and see his reaction. He has talked to the blonde, inconspicuously “bumping” into him in the hallways, trying to act coy and suave, but in reality he was trying his hardest not to crack, during those short moments he was trying his best not to sob and apologize, but he couldn’t he knew Niall wasn’t ready yet._

_That day went normally, nothing out of the ordinary, Zayn looking at Niall and trying his hardest not to be seen, but that afternoon changes everything._

_Zayn was walking silently down the hallways, silently leaving after reading a bit in the library. He walked down the hall then he saw it, Niall was encircled by a crowd of guys, someone was talking to him, sneering at him, and taunting him, Zayn wanted to walk up there and defend Niall, but he was rooted to the spot. Fear gripping every muscle of his body, everything became a blur, a violent blur. Zayn recalls the images of flurries of jabs and punches, kicks and screams. It was horrific and cringing at the end, when they all left and what was left was a shaking body the force holding him back vanished and he bolted to the almost still body. He kneeled before him tears streaming down his face as he surveyed the boy, the supple skin was black and bruised, there were gashes all around his face and his arm was angled disproportionately, it was a grotesque sight and Zayn could feel his stomach churn at how reviling Niall looked, it was a defamation of innocence and purity. Zayn moved his hands to caress the bruised and battered skin only to find the warmth almost gone, and he felt his heart stop as the cold traced hi fingers. Zayn was shaking by now and he couldn’t place his hands on the boy without convulsing erratically, he tried placing his hands on his spine and lifting him up but the immensity of the tremors of his hands played to his failure as he ended up almost dropping him. He stood up and tried to calm himself, he breathed then crouched once again reaching his hands to Niall’s neck and the joints behind his knees lifting him um with a heave, Zayn felt the trembling of his knees, almost toppling him over but he regained his balance and powered through almost sprinting to his car, he opened the back and placed Niall there then proceeded to call an ambulance. Zayn kneeled beside the boy and surveyed his features the face was so serene despite its horrendous state. Niall’s eyes were shut and he was breathing shallowly, but still breathing. Zayn slowly wiped the dirt of his face as tears fell from his face he moved his face closer to the pale one and whispered to his ear “Don’t leave me, please. I love you.” He gasped he breath shaky “I’m so, so sorry.” He stuttered out with shaky breaths “You’re so beautiful and amazing and I’m so weak, I wanted to protect you so badly, but I didn’t and I’m so weak and stupid” he was hyperventilating at this point, trying to talk to the passed out Niall. He grasped the boy’s hand firmly “I promise to protect you, from anything and everything because I love you, from now on you will be safe with me. I promise” Zayn said as he buried his head in Niall’s neck he stayed like this for a while before he heard the blare of the sirens from afar, he then stood up and looked for any sign of the vehicle, leaving Niall limp and pale in the back of his car._

_He bypasses the trip as a blur of shouts and movement as the paramedics patch Niall up, while Zayn sits there his head in his hands as they move hurriedly to the hospital. They bring him to the ER leaving Zayn in the waiting room, he waits until the doctor comes out, the man tells him that Niall is stable and is resting and Zayn nods he says he won’t be visiting Niall, because he’s too embarrassed, he’s too ashamed of himself to face him. He asks the nurse to call two numbers and to drop of a rose with a note attached to it to the Niall’s room. After everything was arranged, Zayn move walked out of the hospital, feeling the immense guilt weigh on his shoulders and the sadness invades his body as he walked out the hospital, lost._

_Zayn had heard that Niall had finally woken up and that he was doing fine. Zayn had the notes he had written to Niall in his hands, the familiar pieces of paper so serene and plain, untouched, Zayn was thoroughly shocked at the state of the notes, not a single crease or fold was present, all still perfectly ironed, just showed how much Niall cherished those notes, how much it meant to him. He wanted sorely to see how the blonde was doing but he was afraid, he was afraid of breaking right in front of the blond. But more importantly Zayn was ashamed of himself, he was ashamed for being so weak and cowardly in the time when Niall desperately needed someone the most, he blames himself for everything Niall had experienced, he blames himself for everything bad that has happened to Niall. He spent endless nights thinking, pondering if he was going to go to the hospital, if he was going to go into that room and face him. It had been days and nights, but ultimately Zayn found that Niall’s happiness meant more to him than anything else. So he mustered up all his strength and drove himself to the hospital the slips of paper sitting serenely on the passenger seat. He parked the car his hands quivering in fear, he stayed in the car for what he thought was an eternity, just trying ot compose himself. When his breath was steady and his hands were still he took the notes and walked into the hospital. He entered the white building the familiar scent of alcohol and astringent wafting through the bleach white walls. He walked to the counter asking the nurse about the patient he was looking for, after being directed he walked solemnly to the room, choosing to go up the stairs, just for the sake of prolonging the inevitable. Once he arrived in the room he stood outside surveying the door. The wood was varnished and glossy with a little sliding contraption where they put the name of the patient and Zayn read the small black letters spelling “Niall Horan” he turned the knob and walked in._

_When he saw Niall sitting there quietly his arm slung in a tourniquet and his face littered with healing bruises, he almost broke down. He was trying very hard to hide the overwhelming amount of emotion flowing through him at that moment, trying his hardest to conceal his tears and trying his hardest to pacify the overwhelming feeling of dread. Niall looked thoroughly surprised when Zayn walked in his eyes widening in shock and his posture becoming abruptly stiff. Zayn croaked an attempt at a coy hello and he tried to avert his eyes from the blond, and as he lied to Niall telling him of the untruths of the situation he felt a perverse sense of contentment just looking at the boy, as he filled the moments with cheek and charm, trying desperately to hide his true emotions, which were on the brink of explosion, and as he departed the room the blonde sporting a smile, Zayn felt the moment of revelation drawing close, he found the strength and the anxiousness to come clean approaching, and because of the smile and the rose tinged cheeks Zayn felt the need for that day to come closer._

+++

It had been two days since Zayn talked to Harry and Louis and he found their insights imperative to the culmination of his and Niall’s relationship. Zayn wanted to make Niall feel that he could be happy, because Niall was the poetic truth, the lyrical beauty which everyone yearns to hear. Niall was beautiful and humble and he needed to understand how deserving he is of all the love that Zayn has showered him with. Because Niall was Zayn’s morning, he was the light in the darkness and the warmth in the cold. Niall was a stalwart of the truth, an unyielding reminder that there is always hope, because though the future may seem rough and the uncertainty of tomorrow still looms, there will always be this reminder that there will be happiness and there will be the brightness and there shall be clarity. And when this clarity comes, the moment when everything finally makes sense and the world seems to be in order, where seemingly the light changes. The light no longer becomes a guide nor does it become a reminder, it changes and becomes true and simple, where the light dissipates and reincarnates within. Niall was the light which Zayn would one day consider his and only his, the moment when everything is clear and simple and Niall becomes a part of Zayn, the integral part of his life; the light which burns in his heart.

Zayn was in Niall’s room putting the final touches to his surprise for Niall, the ultimate reminder that he was loved and that he deserved all this love. After putting everything in order he left the room and shut the lights smiling to himself. Zayn had tasked Liam, Harry and Louis to distract Niall the entire day so that he could organize his surprise. Zayn was now departing the house and heading to the park where he had planned a picnic for him and his boyfriend. He texted the three to bring Niall to the spot and blindfold him there, while he drove there. When Zayn got there he did not expect Niall to be blindfolded, gagged and tied up on the grass, because maybe Zayn did not make his instructions clear enough to Louis, or just maybe Louis was just a little bit cynical. So as Zayn neared the clump on the ground and sat beside him he couldn’t help but laugh at the boy, he took out the gag on Niall’s mouth, and let the muffled brogue reach his ears

“Zayn if this is your idea of something romantic then I think you should be admitted into a mental institute” He said grumpily

“I’m sorry love, I only asked Louis to blindfold you, he kind of went overboard with everything” Zayn chuckled still not releasing Niall from his bonds.

“I would really like to not feel like a kidnap victim if you please” Niall said from his position, Zayn proceeded to untie the rope from his boyfriend’s arms and sitting him up and padding him clean of stray grass across his stomach. He then proceeded to place a kiss on Niall’s lips letting it linger there and letting the heat ruminate between their joined lips. Niall squeaked a bit when Zayn separated their lips and took of the pesky blindfold revealing the cerulean which he sorely loved. Niall squinted at the light letting his eyes reacquaint itself to the environment and when everything came into focus the blues saw the ambers and Niall smiled at the boy in front of him.

“Better?” He asked caressing Niall’s rosy cheek, Zayn ignored how they suddenly became crimson.

“Much better” Niall smiled “What do we have here then?” He then inquired noticing the blanket and the basket sprawled neatly to the side.

“A picnic for you and me” Zayn said moving from his position to the closed basket and revealing its contents, a pair of sandwiches, a Tupperware of crisps, a bowl of assorted fruits and a wedge of sharp cheddar and some crackers. Sprawling them neatly on the blanket and inviting Niall to come over.

“Bit cliché don’t you think, picnic by the park?” Niall asked eyebrows quirking up.

“Well are you going to eat or what?” Niall chuckled in response and settled with Zayn on the blanket. They then enjoyed their snack by the sunset laughing and giggling. After their meal and after a very lengthy argument as to why Niall had to wear another blindfold they were driving back to Niall’s house Zayn’s hand holding Niall’s as he drove.

Once in the house where Niall had already subscribed to constantly asking Zayn what was happening Zayn calmly led him to his room, with Niall screaming “Wait! What! What are we doing in my room! Zaynie what’s happening!” Zayn steadied the blond in the centre and shushing him, the blonde complied and shut his mouth then Zayn started to talk.

“Niall, I’m scared. I’m scared that one day somehow and some way you will get hurt, and I will fail once again to protect you.” After a little shock Niall closed his mouth and mumbled “Zayn no, it was ok, I love you Zaynie” Zayn shushed him once again “Niall I want you to let me say all that I have to say before you can say anything ok dear, just let me finish” Niall responded with a silent nod.

“I love you Niall and everyday I’m scared out of my mind, because maybe you would get beaten up while I’m not with you or someone’s stronger than me and I can’t protect you. I want you to always feel safe and loved wherever you go and it pains me every single day because I don’t know what’s going to happen to us. Then someone talked to me about this, about my fear, he told me that my fear was the amount of love I have for you , the fact that every day I’m fucking scared that the next time I see you you’ll be in a fucking hospital bed again. I don’t want that to happen again I want to protect you and love you. But I can’t always be there, and I’ve realized that my fear has consumed me, that I can’t even appreciate the one thing in my life which makes me feel like everything will be alright. I’ve neglected to smile for you and love you. And maybe that’s why you’re also scared, you’re scared that I don’t really love you, and it pains me to know that you think that, because Niall I do love you, more than you can ever fucking know. At first I was shocked, and then I realized you still couldn’t accept the truth of the matter, you still couldn’t see that you deserve it, you deserve all the happiness and the joy that you’ve been receiving. Niall you are so special to me and I know you don’t believe that right now, but it is my job as your boyfriend to let you know just how beautiful you are.” Niall was sobbing now, his tears had permeated the piece of cloth tied to his eyes and it weighed heavy on his face, Zayn held the fabric with his hands and said “Niall this is why you deserve every bit of happiness” and he pried the blindfold of off Niall.

Niall looked around and was gasped as he felt the tears re-emerging from his eyes. Because his room had become four walls of notes, all scribbled by Zayn himself, the blond moved to a corner and read some

_You’re the truth unwavering_

_You’re beauty personified_

_You’re the light in my heart_

_You’re the poem of majesty_

_You’re bravery knows no bounds_

_You’re eyes shine like a million galaxies_

_You still the night with your vibrance_

_You’re my inspiration_

_You’re my heart_

_You’re my everything_

_You’re the reason I breathe_

Niall was sobbing so hard right now, the tears clouding his vision, he looked up and noticed a swirl of black curling the top of the wall, he looked closer and saw it was a letter, he followed the lines to find that his entire ceiling was covered in a large poem written by Zayn, it read.

_Beatified by the wills of the celestials_

_Wrought by the grandest fingers_

_Pulled and sculpted to pure perfection_

_Flinted with grace_

_Pierced with love_

_Fumed with truth_

_Gilded with hope_

_Entranced by the gods_

_With the courage of eternity_

_Lulled to the land of mortals_

_Painting with divinity_

_The malefic grounds_

_Imbuing the night with grandeur_

_exodus_

_And the gods shall say_

_This is our creation_

_Our angel_

 

After reading the poem he faced the boy standing there his eyes filled with tears and Niall kissed him and held him tight, sobbing in his chest and holding him tightly, possessively. After releasing from the kiss Niall looked at Zayn and said

 

“I love you, thank you. I won’t doubt you, I love you and you love me and that’s the only thing I need” Zayn nodded his head and held onto Niall feeling the warmth grace his body, filling him with the contentment, all fear and anxiety washing away only to be replaced by the happiness so true and unrelenting, Zayn smiled a great smile, because he had the greatest poem in his hands. Because Niall was a poem beautiful and true, he was a lyric and a haiku, simple and extravagant, and he was open and fluid, he was mysterious and simple. He was everything a poem was, and maybe just maybe Niall could finally see that he was beautiful.

Zayn let the moments pass, because Niall was his poem so beautiful and true, and he loved him with all his heart. The shadows of the past may haunt there present and the impending dusk which approaches. But Zayn will live this moment when the lights meld and disappear, when they reincarnate within the confines of his heart. Because Zayn could see it all clearly now, Niall was his light and his happiness was all that mattered because when Niall was happy Zayn was happy.

That was his clarity.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully it was up to par as the last one, I don't know when I'll be doing the last one but it will depend on the reaction I get.
> 
> Love to hear your feedback :D

**Author's Note:**

> So I just had really intense Ziall feels one night and this came to be so, I hope you guys like it


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